


Maybe Here, I Can Stay

by midnightwaterlily33



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Art Student Nanase Haruka, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Friendship, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Multiple Pairings, Non-Explicit Sex, Nostalgia, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Relationships, Recreational Drug Use, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3597663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightwaterlily33/pseuds/midnightwaterlily33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have to fight to defeat the lump in my throat, because I really can’t lose it now. They already won’t take me seriously enough as it is. </p><p>'I’m going to Tokyo.'  </p><p>What else is Haru supposed to do, he wonders. Iwatobi has become a prison that only fills him with misery. </p><p> </p><p>When Haru heads off to Tokyo with hardly any plan in mind, he might be in over his head, but he finds something, or rather, someone to fall back on, who he never thought he'd grow close to. Only, Haru would prefer NOT to get close to anybody ever again. </p><p> </p><p>Note that all warnings vary by chapter and will be posted in the notes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be updating the SouHaru fic I already have up here... But uh.... I suck. I thought of this just now and it had to happen. I'll hopefully have the first few chapters, as well as an update to my other story up tonight. 
> 
> Why won't this silly anime leave me alone? Why am I obsessed with it still??!! Oh yeah, because I'm in love with every single character, and the new ova revived my loveeeeeee! whyyyyyyyy?????
> 
> Anyway.... 
> 
> WARNINGS THIS CHAPTER: None yet, but some obvious spoilers for Free! Eternal Summer and the OVA!! 
> 
> Onward and I hope you enjoy! :)

I can feel the stares like tentacles wrapping around me. They’re twined around my torso, sliding in between my now-protruding ribs, making it hard to breathe. It’s like my nightmares all over again. Everyone’s eyes are on me, scrutinizing, anxious, expectant.

Only I completely deserve it this time. It has been nearly two months.

Two months since the festival, since graduation. Two months since Makoto told me he was going to Tokyo. Two months since any of the people sitting in front of me now have seen or heard from me, aside from an occasional text message to let them know I’m still alive.

Sometimes though, I wonder if I even am.

The way my three friends—if I even deserve to call them that anymore—look at me with so much concern in this moment makes this harder. I concentrate on not wringing my hands, on keeping my emotions in check.

“I…” I try to begin, but start coughing; my voice is so hoarse from disuse. The only people I’ve spoken to in the past months have been Makoto’s family and my parents, but I haven’t spoken to either for at least two weeks now. I swallow hard, and it feels like razors sliding down my throat.

“Do you want someone to make some tea first, Haru-chan?” Nagisa pipes up, faking a smile. _Nagisa_ is faking a smile.

“N-no, no,” I clear my throat and come back strong. “It’s fine. I just want to get this over with.”

“What _is_ it, Haru-chan?” His eyes are pleading. They all are. I can’t blame them considering I took them by such surprise with urgent text messages to come over, after two months of silence.

“Nagisa, Rei, Rin…” I look at each of them one by one, pausing for a moment and almost becoming confused when emerald eyes are missing for me to turn to last, and lock with... “I…” I have to fight to defeat the lump in my throat, because I really can’t lose it now. They already won’t take me seriously enough as it is.

“I’m going to Tokyo.”

 


	2. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is less than pleased with Haru's decision, as well as his motives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhh.... 
> 
> WARNINGS: Some swearing, some grieving and general melancholia

I can see the Tachibanas' house from my back porch. It's right around dinnertime. Makoto's mother called and invited me to dinner with them  _again,_ but I didn't answer,  _again._

Since it happened, his parents have been really inviting to me. I took them up on a few offers to be polite--and because, deep down, I love them--but it got too hard after a while. It was too sad. Everyone was too sad.

I wiggle my bare toes in the grass, looking across the yard, where the shadows are growing longer every second. Since Makoto hasn't been around my place, neither have the little stray cats that used to wander into the yard. Not even the little white one, who seemed rather relentless. Part of me wishes it would turn up, the other wants it to stay far away forever. 

I can't decide what hurts more; leaving it all behind, or living with it every day. 

I wish I could explain it out loud. Everyone was so...  _hurt_ by the idea of me wanting to leave. I wish I could explain how hurt I am just being here. 

I used to feel content with the thought of staying in Iwatobi. Now everything feels like a bad dream. 

He is everywhere I look. He is everything around here.

He is everything I am, but no longer everything I have to become. 

 

~~

 

“Is it because of Makoto?” Rin bites out suddenly, angrily, one afternoon as he lounges on my bed, and I pack. He still hasn't grasped that I really am serious about going through with this. 

It's a nice day outside. The window is open and he should be enjoying the sunlight and the breeze, damn it. I haven't even asked for his help. 

“Is what because of… him?” I can’t say his name. I still can’t say his name.

Rin’s foot hits the floor with a loud thump. “Damn it, Haru, don’t play stupid like that! Do you want to go to Tokyo because of Makoto?!”

“I have many reasons,” I deadpan.

“Right,” Rin scoffs. “And I’m sure every single one ties back to Makoto in some way. Haru, you…”

I turn on him. “If this is all you’re going to say, you can leave.”

Rin stands and throws his hands in the air exasperatedly. “You’re not doing what you really want to do! You’re only doing this because he never got the chance!”

He’s coming toward me, coming close. _No, no, don’t come near me._ Reflexes take over. Before I know it, I’ve hurled my roll of packing tape straight at his face.

“Ow! Damn it! Haru!” he flinches away, then glares at me, face growing deep red. “You wonder why we don’t think you should go, and then you do shit like _this_!" He waves the tape roll practically in my face. "It’s really fucking concerning when you can’t even have a conversation like a normal human being!”

“This wasn’t a conversation. You were only yelling at me," I mutter.  

“I wouldn’t have to yell if you’d just have some fucking sense!”

Sense? I'm the one with no sense? I'm the only one who seems to think I shouldn't have to stay here in a town, in a house that feels like a prison. I clench my fists and my teeth, until it hurts, try to take deep breaths, but every gulp of air only makes my body shake. I almost feel like I could start crying, but I won't let that happen. 

_Damn Rin. God damn it, Rin, always provoking me._

Something breaks.

“NO!” I scream, pushing his shoulders roughly. “You should have sense!”

He falls silent, shock evident on his face at my screaming. The red tinge in his cheeks fades, and he looks on the edge of speaking, but I glare at him as I try and catch my breath, letting him know I’m not finished yet.

“No,” I say darkly. “You and everyone else are the ones who need to have some sense. I… I might be leaving partly because of Makoto, but it’s mostly that I just _can’t_ stay here. It’s like torture. _Every single thing_ here reminds me of him. I can’t take it anymore.” Calmly, I reach and take the tape from Rin’s hand, turning back around, content to speak no more. I'm actually impressed that I managed to make those words come out clearly. 

Rin continues talking for the next hour, angrily, but no longer yelling. I finish up my packing, and I don’t listen.


	3. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru's made it to Tokyo and gets a small taste of what a drastically different place is going to be like. And then he meets his roommate...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so short, but at last here is another installment! 
> 
> No warnings this chapter. I promise things will begin to pick up soon!!

Nagisa and Rin both cried this morning when I said goodbye. I almost found it funny, since they won’t know the difference between having me there in Iwatobi and having me in Tokyo anyway.

I talked to my parents this morning, too. They’re also with the consensus that I’m making a big mistake. But they realized they couldn’t stop me when I asked them seriously what I was supposed to do about the house. Surprise: they’re holding onto it in case I ‘don’t fit in in Tokyo.’

I didn’t mention a word of it to Makoto’s family.

I know I should have… but I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. It would have been too painful. They also probably won’t notice the difference.

Or at least I pray they won’t notice. 

I pray the gnawing ache in my chest will fade as I get farther from there.

 

~~

 

I’ll admit it; Tokyo is intimidating. The city could swallow Iwatobi countless times. It’s crowded, loud, fast-paced, and a total sensory overload, to put it lightly.

 _Why did Makoto want to come here?_ That’s all I can think as I hop off the train and instantly into the madness. People are moving… just constantly _moving, moving, moving_ all around me, and every single one of them walks quickly and directly, a perfect plan in mind. They don’t hover, spinning around in confusion and looking every which way, like I am.

I should have gotten a map. I should have done a little more research. But all I focused on in preparation for this was trying to get into the university. Applications, essays, preparing my entire portfolio…  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to be quite honest.

I try and ask a couple people around me for directions, but no one even spares me a glance. They’re all too busy, and after being ignored the third time, a familiar ache builds up in my chest and my face grows hot, my hands shake. I have to duck into an alcove beside a building and catch my breath.

I’ve never been good with crowds. Usually… Usually I would just grab onto Makoto’s hand or the end of his shirt and let him guide me through.

That was before.

For a second I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. I lost the important person in my life… and now I’ve abandoned everything else familiar too? What was I thinking?

_Oh god. Oh god, oh god._

“Excuse me, are you alright?”

A soft voice startles me, and I spin, focusing on a tall guy, clad in all black with a shock of bright green hair.

“Uh-um yeah, I’m… actually, can you tell me how to get to Todai?” I mutter clumsily, and he smiles lopsidedly at me in all my shaky, sweaty glory.

“Yeah! It’s just three blocks that way!” he gestures. “Do you want me to…”

“It’s alright, thanks!” I interrupt, immediately pushing away from the wall and heading the direction he pointed. I think he calls something after me, but I don’t hear him, my ears are ringing. The sooner I get to my dorm the better.

 

 ~~

 

“Name please?” a bubbly, colorfully dressed girl with pink pigtails looks up at me from behind the desk inside the dormitory lobby, green eyes blinking eagerly at me…

_Green eyes…_

Her smile begins to fade.  “Ahem, _what_ is your _name?”_

“Oh. Ah... Nanase… Haruka…” I murmur.

“And your major?”

“Um... I’m just taking some art classes.”

She shrugs and passes over a key ring and a shiny blue brochure that reads “Welcome!” in chunky white letters and features pictures of people who look unnaturally happy. “You’ll be in room 412A, Nanase-san. That’s on the left side of the hall, fourth floor.”

I nod with a thanks, and turn to leave, repeating the number over in my head so I don’t forget it. I head for the elevator, but stop and duck into the stairwell when I find it’s packed with people. It’s a good thing I only have the one suitcase.

The room is easy enough to find. There’s a currently blank dry erase board hung on the outside, which I hope means my roommate is yet to show up. The door clicks and swings open with no effort, that is, until it collides with something enormous on the other side, and a deep voice cries, “Ouch!”

“I’m sorry,” I murmur, puzzled, and the door is pried from my hands, opening fully.

I look up at the tall guy in front of me and am met with familiar blue-green eyes and a scowl.

I gasp. “Y-Yama…zaki?!”


	4. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now Haru's feeling the weight of his decision. Plus, now there's Sousuke, his new roommate. Haru doesn't even know what to think. 
> 
> Sousuke's confused about how he should deal with Haru as well. 
> 
> And it hasn't been a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I've finally got an update! This time it's a little longer too! :)
> 
> And this one is partly in Haru's perspective, and partly in Sousuke's perspective. Surprise, I guess! I've decided this will be an alternating perspectives kind of thing. The line across the page signals the switch!
> 
> Warnings: swearing, general sadness

THREE

Uncountable thoughts rush through my mind all at once.

_What is Yamazaki Sousuke doing here? Why is he my roommate? Why does he look so angry? Should I be worried? I know we let go of some animosity from the past at Samezuka’s festival after the water fight, but it’s not like we’re close or anything? Is he angry to see I’m his roommate? Since when is he going to Tokyo University?!_

Wait…

Sousuke is sort of smiling at me. He’s chuckling. “Nanase? Since when did you decide to come to Tokyo University?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” I deadpan.

“Ah, well…” he rubs at his shoulder sort of awkwardly. His right one, too. I wonder.

“Can you let me inside?” I interject.

“Right.” Sousuke steps to the side, opening up the door, and he’s also grabbed my suitcase before I can. He walks in and sets it in front of the bed on the right side of the room. I glance around.  The walls are clean, plain, off-white. The wall facing the door has a rather large window with no blinds. Two identical beds, one on each side of the room, two desks, a closet, and a door leading to the bathroom, which joins to another room home to two more people, I know. Each side of the room is basically a mirror image of the other; even the closet door on the right lines up perfectly with the bathroom on the left.

“I took this bed on the left,” Sousuke says, sitting slowly. “Hope that’s okay with you.”

“It’s fine,” I nod.

A long moment of silence passes. Sousuke is just kind of… looking at me, and it makes me uncomfortable. I fall onto my bare mattress and sigh, my eyes slipping shut momentarily. They sting a little, and I want to believe it’s because of allergies. Sousuke clears his throat quietly.

“I’m pretty much unpacked already,” he says, glancing around the room. I look up, puzzled, but realize that yeah, there are clothes hanging neatly in the closet, boxes and blankets stacked on shelves, and a few books on his desk. Everything is tucked away immaculately.

Well, at least he’ll probably be a clean roommate then.

Cleanliness was the only thing that Makoto never has to get after me about… In fact, I’m the one usually helping him put his things in order.

Wait a second… I should be thinking in past tense. Why do I still think of these things like I’ll get to do them again? Why do I think about him like he’s still here?

My chest grows tight once again.

“Uhm…” Sousuke suddenly comes into my line of sight, startling me. “Nan—uh, Haru…? Are you… okay?”

“Fine,” I lie. “I suppose I’ll start unpacking.”

“…Yeah,” Sousuke agrees, awkwardly rubbing his shoulder again. We both just look at one another.

“Does your shoulder still hurt?” I say before I can stop my tongue. My brain needs something to think about that isn’t Makoto.

Sousuke makes a strange face—almost a grimace. He stays silent for a beat, so I turn away, figuring he doesn’t want to answer.

“It comes and goes,” he murmurs, darkly. He sighs, then continues more calmly. “Physical therapy is helping. I’m not swimming anymore, so that helps.”

“I’m glad it’s improved,” I tell him, then move to open one of my boxes filled with art supplies.

“You need any help?”

“No.”

Another too-long silence passes.

“Well…” Sousuke says slowly. “I’m going to head toward the campus for a little while, get accustomed to the layout of the place. I’ll leave you some peace for now.”

I nod once, continuing to stack things onto my desk. I don’t see him go, but I hear the door shut. I let out a long breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I really don’t have the energy to unpack right now. To be honest, I’m still in awe over my own decision. I’m anxious.

Also, I know somewhere at the bottom of this box I’m working on, there’s a picture frame, holding an old childhood photograph of Makoto and me. I absolutely can’t even pick that up right now. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to see him anymore. That’s why I’m here

The more I see him, the more insane I start to feel.

I abandon unpacking altogether, opting to fall back onto my bed, spreading out and staring up at the ceiling. My arms and legs ache, but not from overexertion or anything. I guess they hurt because my heart hurts.

I slip into a dark, dreamless sleep at some point which I don’t recall.

 

 

The sound of keys jangling and turning in a lock startles me out of sleep. I sit up, panicked, but quickly come to and Sousuke opens the door, carrying some plastic bags. How long was I asleep?

He looks to me, seemingly taking in my disheveled look and the lack of unpacking. “Were you asleep?”

I make a small sound of acknowledgement and nod.

“Well it’s understandable you’d be tired after traveling here,” he replies, moving into the room and setting whatever stuff he’s got on his desk. “Sorry I woke you.”

“It’s fine,” I murmur. I’m awake now, but I have no intentions to move from my spot, now curled up with my knees to my chest on my bed.

“Hey,” I hear Sousuke say, and then suddenly something small is being tossed at me. It bounces beside me on the mattress. “…Rin, told me you, um… like chocolate.”

My eyes lock onto the shiny wrapper of a chocolate bar. I freeze, forcing myself to swallow whatever broken sound tries to escape me.

_What you really mean is Rin told you Makoto used to give me chocolate to cheer me up._

What the hell does Sousuke Yamazaki think he’s doing?

My hands start shaking again. This time it’s violent, and I can’t seem to get it under control. I sit on them hastily so he hopefully doesn’t notice.

Sousuke is frowning. “You okay?”

_No, I’m not okay. How can I possibly be okay ever again?_

I thought coming here would help me close the gaping wound, but I feel like it’s just festering now. Especially if Sousuke is going to pull shit like this… shoving memories of him right in my face.

I’m never going to see Makoto again.

The memories hurt. They hurt so incredibly much.

“I’m fine,” I quip, and stand up, moving automatically. I can’t lose it. I can’t lose it right now. I yank my bag up onto the bed to dig out my running shoes. “I’m going for a run.”

“I thought you were tired…”

I hear Sousuke begin to speak after me, but I slam the door and I’m running down the hall. People cry out, moving out of my way hastily, tripping over suitcases.

It’s Makoto’s voice that plays in my head, “Haru, don’t be so rash! You can’t just run out on Sousuke like this after just seeing each other! And you should apologize to those people. ” 

I run faster.

Faster, faster.

I don’t know where I’m going, all I know is I need to go.

 

* * *

 

 

“Rin,” I growl into the phone the moment I hear it pick up.

“Jeez, hello to you too, grumpy ass,” Rin replies. “What’s going on? It hasn’t even been a day. Are you and Haru killing each other already?”

“What? No,” I say, shaking my head even though he can’t see. “Nanas… Haru left for a run and he’s been gone four hours. Is that normal?”

I can hear Rin make a small noise of alarm, but he chuckles into the speaker, “He probably found a pool… or a puddle to splash in.”

“Rin…” I sigh, grimacing. “He wasn’t wearing his swimsuit.”

“Haru’s always wearing his swimsuit under his clothes,” Rin sighs. “Didn’t I mention that to you before?”

“You did… but… I don’t know.  He ran out of the room _really_ fast. Like, all of a sudden he just declared he was going on a run. I heard people exclaiming at him because he pushed them out of the way to run down the hall. That’s not normal, right?!” I breathe, trying to dissipate the panic in my voice. Why am I panicked over Haru?

“No…” Rin sounds alarmed. “Being belligerent isn’t like Haru at all. Maybe if there’s water involved… but…”

 I saw my lower lip with my teeth. “Should… Should I go look for him or not?”

“Four hours is a little long for a run…” Rin agrees, sighing. I can almost feel the worry through my phone.

I scrub a hand over my face. I know in the end, I’m going to be compelled to go scouring around Tokyo for Nanase, which is the very last thing I want to do. But I’m going to do it, for Rin.

“Haru’s not very good with directions, _at all._ So I’m just a little worried he might be lost. He doesn’t like crowds either, and knows nothing about cities… Ah, shit!”

Wow, he talks about him like he’s a little kid or something. “Don’t panic,” I urge, sighing and standing up.

All for stupid, pain-in-the-ass, Rin. _Persuasive,_ pain-in-the-ass, Rin.

“I can’t believe you made me agree to this,” I mutter, and then stand up, working on jamming my feet into my shoes. “I’m going out to search for him now. It’s going to be dark soon.”

If possible, I can feel the relief through the sound waves too, can hear the smile in his voice. If anything, that makes me feel a little warm inside, and that’s why I agreed to this. “Thanks, Sousuke,” Rin says with a sigh. “I swear one day I’ll make this up to you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I nod, even though he can’t see. “I’ll call you when I find him.” I avoid the use of the word “if” at all costs with Rin.

I pull open the door, and with a glance outside, I take note the sun’s setting. Deal or no deal, leaving anyone outside at night in Tokyo is a bad plan.

_God damn it, Haru._

I break into a run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... Some unanswered questions? That's the tactic! ;)
> 
> for the record, I have no idea how Haru or Makoto feel about chocolate in reality, but I don't really care. I'm not promising to keep anything really canon, and I'm sorry if the characters are OOC. That's pretty much why I write fanfiction, so I can play with the characters. 
> 
> How was this? :) Until next time! :)


	5. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, minor violence

 

**FOUR**

I wouldn’t know where to find Haru back in tiny Iwatobi, never mind Tokyo at night. I’m more than totally perplexed as I run around the block, scanning the streets.

I already tried the university pool. No Haru.

I looked at every single pool and body of water close to the dorms. Nope.

And now I’m reduced to sort of frantically running around, just confused.

Now would be a wonderful time to call up Makoto the walking Haru-cyclopedia. But of course that’s not an option anymore.

And Rin is going to kill me if I can’t find Haru. I’m starting to think I should begin writing my will because I can’t find a trace of him.

_Shit._

The only thoughts circulating in my head as I walk quickly down the sidewalk are an endless stream of curse words and worst-case scenarios. I’m so completely screwed.

I round the corner, running a hand through my hair in distress. The street in front of me is deserted and dark; there are no streetlights this way. Probably not likely Haru would be this direction.

Then from the end of the darkened street, I hear a loud clang against something metal, some shuffling and voices, and I tense up. _Damn it, am I going to get mugged or something?_

I can’t make out whole sentences, but I hear man’s rough voice. “…pretty face… would _love to…_ hold still…”

And then, “Get off me!”

That’s Haru’s voice.

I’m running. I can’t even stop to think; something takes over me, and I book it in the direction of the sound, turn the corner, and face down into an alleyway at four dark figures, leaning against the wall beside a dumpster.

I run up behind one of them without a word and reach out to yank him away from Haru, who’s pinned against the bricks. Three scruffy, dirty looking guys who are all a bit bigger than Haru—but smaller than me.

I thank my stupid rich father in that moment for forcing me into martial arts training for years. It doesn’t take much effort to shove them away and take them all out one by one with one fist.

Once I’m standing over three unconscious heaps, I sigh and wipe the blood on my jacket, because at this point, who cares. I turn to Haru, and for just a second, I’m met with an expression of absolute fear on his face. After a split second, he seems to realize his wall’s got a crack in it, and he goes stoic at once. We lock eyes and I wait for him to thank me and offer some sort of explanation,  but he keeps silent, and eventually looks away, toward the ground.

_Fuck you, Nanase._ What the hell is wrong with this guy?

It’s the slight shaking of his frame that makes me keep my voice quiet. “Let’s get out of here.”

Haru follows me silently as I walk quickly toward the lights on the other side of the street. There’s a park, and lots of streetlights. There’s a bench right under one. I fall onto it with a long sigh, closing my eyes for a moment in relief. I open them to find Haru hovering awkwardly a few feet away, eyes glued to the ground.

“Oi,” I say, “Are you hurt?”

Haru gives a small shake of the head, but he doesn’t look at me. So _irritating._ How does Makoto…   _Shit._

How did Makoto used to put up with this?

I sigh again, standing to move a little closer, which makes Haru tense up. “Good, so you’re not hurt… Did they steal anything?”

He shakes his head again.

I hesitate. “Are you alright?”

Haru shrugs at that. An awkward, tense moment of silence passes. A dog barks in the distance. There’s a couple beeps of a car horn. I can feel the anger bubbling up again for Haru’s stupidity and inconsideration.

“Haru,” I say, letting some of the annoyance seep through, “Where the hell have you been for hours?”

I think he’s shaken up still, because this is where I’d expect a vague answer or some kind of “none of your business” he just keeps his eyes glued to the ground and murmurs, “I ran around the park.”

“For four hours?”

Haru says nothing, just shrugs. It takes all I have not to punch him for all his idiocy.

I take a deep breath, because when I look closer at him, he’s still shaking all over, looking like he could break. I swallow the heat of my anger and make myself say softly, “Do you know what could have happened if those guys harassing you would’ve been bigger than me? I wouldn’t have been able to take them out. You need to be careful. This is a huge city. It’s not safe everywhere.”

Again, he doesn’t answer me, and that makes me furious. How am I supposed to know he even hears me? God damn it, I…

Haru’s wiping at his face with the back of his hand.

Is he crying?

Then, a very small voice, “Sorry. Thanks for helping.”

Definitely crying.

Shit.

“Hey, are you…?”

“’M fine.”

“If you’re sure,” I sigh, completely unwilling to argue. “Let’s just head back.” Haru nods—the slightest movement I’ve ever seen—sniffling once, and trails along a bit behind me as I walk.

We trek back toward the dorms rather slowly, with me trying to pick the best lit streets and the nicest looking walkways. Ones close to police boxes are ideal. Haru hardly makes a sound—I don’t even think I can heat his footfalls on the pavement—but he rubs hastily at his eyes every so often, keeping his face down and away from me.

Crying still kind of makes me uncomfortable, even coming from Rin, and he’s practically a hairpin trigger for tears. Coming from the ever-stoic Haru, I’m even more at a loss for how to feel.

Well, there’s about a mile left until we’ll be on campus, and Haru looks like he’s shivering, though I don’t know if it’s because of cold or not. Either way, I slip off my sweater and tentatively reach over to drape it around him.

He stops walking.

“You look cold,” I say with a shrug.

He keeps his eyes on the pavement, but Haru looks like he’s gone rigid. _Good fucking God, what is wrong with this guy that loaning him a sweater freaks him out?_

Oh yeah, his best friend died. His best friend who was practically his husband… or his mom.

I freeze, looking to Haru, who could practically be a statue there, head ducked down, hunched over in the middle of the sidewalk, except his small frame is trembling everywhere. I lick my lips nervously, wondering what the hell his issue is, not wanting to upset him.

One teardrop drips off the end of his chin, landing on the pavement in a little dot. It’s as if seeing that tears him out of trance; he scrubs at his eyes almost violently, and shoves his arms into the sleeves of my sweater. Still silent, still looking down at his own feet, he walks again, this time quickly. I have to struggle to keep up.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Sousuke unlocks the door, I dart into the room and stop in front of my bed. I unearth a blanket from one of my boxes and then tear Sousuke’s sweater off my body, tossing it onto his bed.

_I can’t do this. I can’t do this right now._

I don’t feel it when my body hits the mattress. I don’t know if Sousuke tries to talk to me, or if I’ve even taken off my shoes. I don’t care. It’s dark when I pull the blanket over my head, and I pull my knees to my chest, hoping that somehow they’ll hold in the contents that threaten to spill out.

Earlier, I ran out of the dorms and straight across the courtyard outside, pushing past people that were in my path. I could hear his voice, his stupid _gentle, familiar_ voice chiding me to be polite, and I don’t know if it hurt my ears or my brain or my heart, but it burned like a hot knife. I only ran faster.

I ran until I could no longer hear him because of the blood rushing in my ears. I could no longer picture him because I was dizzy and too focused on gasping for air. I ran until I literally couldn’t anymore, and when I collapsed, I happened to be in the park.

There was a lake in the center of the grassy hills, and it made my heart immediately ache for the ocean. The ocean in Iwatobi. And I felt conflicted. The water… my solace… I was angry with it.

My head was spinning so fast, my thoughts all came whirling at me at once in that moment.

I miss the open skyline. I’m going to miss walking past the swim club and the school every now and then when running errands. I’m going to miss the little old lady who Makoto and I used to run into some mornings on the way to school. I’ll miss the cherry blossoms and the annual festival; the peace and quiet and the open space.

I miss Nagisa and Rei. I left them behind selfishly, knowing they’re hurt over this too.

I’ll go as far as to say I miss that big fucking empty house. I miss the bathtub.

No, I miss lying on the living room floor in that big empty house, watching stupid movies, or sleeping tangled up in my bed that was too small. I miss the strong hand that would lift me out of the bathtub and always come paired with a smile.

I miss seeing Ren and Ran laughing and bickering, jumping about playing “the floor is lava” or something. I miss splitting ice pops in the summer.

None of these things are any good without Makoto.

It’s meaningless without Makoto.

Without Makoto, happy memories deteriorate and get swept away like old parchment in a flood of stormy water.

In that god forsaken house, I spent two entire weeks still expecting there to be a knock and a gentle hand for me in the morning. Time after time it never came, and I knew it wasn’t going to, but it was like my brain didn’t understand. I started taking showers instead. I sat on the couch, staring blankly into the TV, and found myself picturing him right beside me, laughing along, or clinging onto my arm when there was something startling. I sat on the back porch, just waiting for Makoto to wander across the lawn and scoop up a couple of the little kittens that played there. The kittens never even came around, but I would still see him, sitting beside me, smiling and nuzzling them with his nose.

I can’t bring myself to miss the miserable, broken thing that’s become the Tachibana family. I don’t miss seeing the twins cry in the middle of dinner or Mr. Tachibana pouring himself glasses of scotch. It was breaking my heart into even more pieces every day.

The swim club is only littered in pictures of us swimming and smiling together. I can’t even look at them without feeling like I’m going to vomit. The school is just filled with kids who are just as sad as I am.

I had to get away from it. It was driving me insane.

I especially had to get away from the ocean, the river, the _water._ Maybe it’s the sheer betrayal of my first love that hurts the most.

I was right—the water will never hurt me—but apparently it can take away my best friend.

I can never forgive it.

 

 

I open my eyes and the first thing I see are the spinning blades of a ceiling fan. I don’t have a ceiling fan…

I sit up, a moment of panic making my body go rigid, but then I remember that I’m in Tokyo. I’m in my dorm room.

I rub my eyes tiredly, and as I wake up, I become aware that I’m wearing a grey shirt that’s much too big for me. The same goes for the black sweatpants I’ve got on—they’re definitely not my size.

My mind flits to Makoto. I violently jerk it away from that thought path.

I’m sort of tangled up in blankets; one is my blue comforter from home, but two more are green and white, and really fuzzy. Also not mine.

Beside my bed lie my shoes, and on the bedside table there’s a bottle of water. I snatch it up and chug half of it.

_What happened after I came home?_

I can’t remember.

“Oh, you’re awake,” a voice states quietly, making me jump nearly out of my skin. I turn, and emerging from the bathroom doorway is Sousuke Yamazaki, clad in a towel. Right…roommates. My mind feels foggy. Sousuke wanders to his closet, sifting through shirts before tugging one over his huge frame. “How did you sleep? Do you feel better at all?” he asks.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t know,” I murmur, shaking my head. “Am I wearing your clothes?”

“Oh yeah,” he says, turning to me, in the same moment dropping his towel like it’s no big deal at all. I try to behave like it isn’t. He pulls on boxers and pants, thankfully, before offering an explanation. “I had no idea that your clothes were wet last night… ‘til you started shivering violently. I tried to tell you to get up and change, but you were unresponsive and kind of… delusional?” He shakes his head. “Your boxes are still all sealed up, so I just put some of my clothes on you. Blankets too. You were really cold. Do I even want to know how that happened?”

I stare at him. He stares back, but his expression is passive, if not a little anxious. I don’t know how to react.

_Sousuke… took care of me?_

The only person who ever takes— _took –_ care of me once my grandmother died was… Makoto.

I want to tell him to get fucked. That he should have minded his own business and I didn’t need help, but…

I can’t even remember what happened for most of the time that passed after Sousuke scared those sleazy guys away from me. And… something about the way he’s looking at me right now…

“Are you hungry? It’s like, 11:30, so I could fetch some breakfast if you want,” Sousuke says.

I shake my head instantly. I haven’t been able to keep much food down since… it happened. I don’t want Sousuke to find that out now, if not never.

“Well,” he sighs. “At least you drank water.” He gestures to the nightstand. “I’m gonna go then. I’ll bring something back for later. You… you should maybe look into getting a campus map today for Monday. Bus pass too.”

I open my mouth to protest. You’re not my mother, Yamazaki.

You’re not Makoto.

But he’s out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is chapter four! :) It didn't turn out quite like I originally hoped, so I hope it's okay! Thanks a bunch to everyone who's been taking time to read this! :)


	6. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh I am back from the dead! It had been AGES since I've last updated this and I'm so very sorry!! Please forgive me!! 
> 
> This was a really rough chapter for me to write... I have MAD writers block and it SUCKS. I'm so sorry if it's terrible!! 
> 
>  
> 
> Either way, on with it with WARNINGS: swearing, lots of swearing. That's about all :)

I can’t really bring myself to do much after Sousuke leaves. I feel drained.

I take a shower to lift my mood, but just like back home, water doesn’t feel healing anymore. I’m almost glad there is no bathtub in the dorm bathroom. Actually, I feel worse as I towel off my hair. I’m standing in front of the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. There’s something screwy in my expression. Something broken and ugly.

I force the lines on my face to smooth out. It takes special effort to get the neutral expression right and I hate that. I’m going to have to try really hard to put on my usual façade. I’m just going to act normal. As normal as I can.

I think maybe I did the right thing coming to Tokyo. I have a chance at recovery here. In Iwatobi, nothing matters without Makoto. Here, I hope, I can find new things that matter.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel miserable now. Like usual, I’m just going to pretend it’s normal.

“Hey!”

A voice rings out suddenly from the other side of the mirror, making me jump nearly a foot in the air, and I scamper back from the door gracelessly with a yelp.

Then a head pops in from the other side of the door, bright bright green  hair, blue eyes and a wide smile.

_Where the hell did he come from!?_

I’m suddenly really aware that I’m in nothing but a towel as I clutch it tightly around me. This guy emerges fully into the room, just smiling really widely. “Sorry to surprise you,” he laughs, as if innocent. “I couldn’t resist when you opened the door. I’ve been dying to meet the new neighbors.”

“Ah…” I bite my lip anxiously, unsure, and mostly uncomfortable to be naked and wet with this stranger lingering in the doorway.

“I’m Yamada Orochi.” He hooks a thumb over his shoulder, pointing back into the bathroom. “I come from next door! I’m your roommate...or, well, bathroom-mate. You can go ahead and call me Orochi; I’m not one for formality.”  

 _Oh. Oh, yeah, right._ The other door in the bathroom. There are two other guys living over there.

Still perplexed, I just nod. I wish he would leave, but he looks nowhere near ready to do so. In fact, he wanders into the room further, inspecting the surroundings thoroughly. Then, after a moment, he turns quickly to me,

“Are you going to tell me your name, or…?”

 _What?! Right now? Like this? Is this guy serious? I_ scramble for words, feeling embarrassed and irritated.

“If I do, will you leave and let me get dressed first?” I grumble.

“Yeah!” he agrees surprisingly quickly with a stupid, cheerful smile. He disappears into the bathroom in a flash.  I move toward my dresser, dressing hastily. But a muffled voice comes from behind the door, “I’m sorry! Open the door when you’re dressed?”

 _How about no? Too much effort._ I don’t feel like socializing. But I don’t think I have a choice. At least he apologized, I guess.

I release a small sigh, straighten my clothes in front of the door and then open it once more. I’m met again with Orichi’s bright eyes and smile, and he practically skips into the room again. “I am sorry... about that before!” And suddenly he’s much too close to me, eyes eager, and he bows with enthusiasm. “Once again, properly, I’m Orochi!”

I can’t help but feel like I’m looking at a carbon copy of Nagisa. _Dear God._

I make myself bow forward quickly in reply. I’m trying to be as normal as possible, I remind myself.

“Haru…ka. Nanase Haruka,” I murmur, then add, “Call me Haru.”

“Haruka?” Orochi exclaims, the amusement written all over his face. “Isn’t that a girl’s name?” Clearly he’s not one for subtlety either.

I frown, fixing a glare on him, but his happy expression doesn’t even falter. Definitely like a Nagisa clone, holy crap.

“It’s a pain,” I mutter.

“Being mistaken for a girl? I’m sure! But at least you’re pretty!”

What the…?

Then there’s the sound of jangling keys, and the turning lock. Both of us look to the door as it swings open and Sousuke steps in. He’s immediately swamped by Orochi, who practically jumps toward him, giving him an even more enthusiastic hello than mine.

I contain a small laugh at Sousuke’s awkward grimace.

There’s a few moments of commotion that I tune out and I snag the change to officially withdraw from the situation. I fall to my bed, kicking my feet up. I stare reluctantly at all of the boxes I still have to unpack.

_I really don’t feel like doing that today… I wonder how long it will take until Sousuke gets annoyed with boxes sitting around._

If Makoto were here-

 _What? No! No, no no!_ I need to stop thinking of him. I need to stop thinking about useless things like what it would be like if he were here. He isn’t here and he never will be again.

_Oh God. Oh god, oh god, oh god._

It doesn't matter how many times I’ve gone through this with myself, it seems like it never gets better; I still don’t know how to handle it. One little thought or sight or smell, anything, reminds me of him and I’m immediately panicking again. My chest burns and my lungs feel like they’re going to explode and I want to sob. Every. Single. Time.

The blood is rushing in my ears, making them ring, so I bury my face in my knees and struggle to breathe.

A big, warm hand falls gently onto my head, sort of ruffling my hair softly.

On instinct, I turn, nuzzling into it. Large and warm, and just a little rough--Makoto’s.

“Haru…” a deep voice says, sounding concerned.

No.

I tear myself away as quickly as possible, recoiling to the wall and away from where Sousuke is sitting on the edge of my bed, peering down at me in nothing but pure confusion and concern.

Not Makoto, you fucking idiot. He doesn’t exist anymore! Stop imagining him everywhere. How could I have been that stupid for a moment?

“Are you okay?” Sousuke asks.

I’m not okay. I resolve not to give him an answer and to just make a joke about our new crazy neighbor, but my vision goes instantly blurry. A sour taste bubbles up my throat.

“Actually, I think I-”

I can’t get the last of my sentence out before I have to book it to the bathroom.

* * *

I hate to admit such a thing, but I’m worried about Nanase. Er… Haru.

It would take a pretty heartless person not to be right now, honestly. The guy disappeared for four hours last night, I found him in an alley about to get assaulted, and then he cried the whole walk home. This is Haruka Nanase we’re talking about. I was pretty sure he was made out of stone. Today, he woke up looking miserable, and based on how he looked when I came in the door, he’s been miserable all day. When I came inside and got attacked by the hyper little green-haired kid, Haru curled up on his bed and pulled his knees to his chest with an expression like he was being stabbed. I kicked Orochi out immediately because Haru started looking like he might burst into tears or something.

But he didn’t. When I put a hand to his head to try at comforting him, he cringed like I burned him and then turned green in the face.

He’s been in the bathroom throwing up since.

I have never felt more at a loss. I’m shit at comforting people. Everyone knows that. I’m Sousuke Yamazaki, and I’m a walking, talking, cold, fucking brick wall. Why on earth Rin thought it would be good to sign me up for this, I don’t know.

I dig through my pocket for my phone and just about hit the speed dial for Rin, but I hesitate.

I’ll make myself seem stupid and untrustworthy. I can’t just call Rin every time some sort of challenge comes up with Nana--Haru, now can I? Not to mention, Rin’s probably busy. He doesn’t have time for my shit.

Actually, I’m mostly worried he’ll work himself up into an anxious fit of worry. I can’t tell him I’m having more problems with Haru.

God damn it.

The way I see it, I’ll start whereever I can. Shoving the takeout I retrieved on my way home into the mini fridge, I turn back and head out the door in search for some soup and some nausea medicine. Maybe I’ll find something with fucking mackerel in it.

* * *

I am 200 percent positive I’m going to die.

I feel like absilute shit. My throat is raw, my eyes burn, and I think my stomach has been filled with razorblades.

Sousuke was gone when I emerged from the bathroom, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. He’d probably make some smart ass comments.

Or worse, he’d try to care for me. He’s been really weird like that and it’s honestly freaking me out.

Since then, I’ve been lying face down in my bed. I don’t know how long it’s been. But, the longer I lie here, the more numb I think I’m becoming. The pain--and I don’t mean my stomach or my head, because they still feel like hell, but the aching in my chest that burned whenever I think of Makoto--it’s fading the longer I sit here and gaze into the backs of my eyelids. I’m trying my very hardest to look into the blackness and think of absolutely nothing.

I want everything I know to obliterate into nothing.

Makoto. Home. Every single memory that could somehow be tied back to either of the two. I try my best to take them all and dump them out. I imagine maybe I’m throwing them into the sea, to be pulled away by the tides, too far to be retrieved.

Time passes, in strange lulls and bursts, and I feel the overwhelming numbness tingling all over me. I feel sort of like I’m drowning, but I can breathe. I can breathe more deeply.

I fall asleep again somewhere in the middle of this black ocean. I wake up a few hours later.

The sun is setting. It’s dinner time. Sousuke is back, and he’s reading on his bed. Some textbook, for tomorrow, I presume.

My head feels suddenly more steady, a little more clear.

Sousuke’s teal green eyes catch mine for a moment as I sit up, stretch, and take a deep breath. He says nothing, and I appreciate him vastly in this moment for it.

There’s mackerel and a container of soup on my desk. Attached is a print out of my class schedule, a map, and a bus pass.

A moment of uncertain silence passes as I’m staring down at all of it.  

Sousuke shuts his textbook loudly, nods to me, and heads for the shower.

“Sou-Sousuke,” I manage to sort of choke out; my voice is hoarse.

“Haru,” he replies stoically.

“Thank you.”

I receive a small grunt in reply, and with my back to him, it;s still obvious he lingers awkwardly in the doorway; for what, I don’t know. Then the bathroom door clicks shut and the shower turns on. I fall to my mattress and somehow I feel a little less heavy. The food tastes amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes! That is my most recent addition! Sorry it's short! Also sorry there hasn't been much action yet! :P I'm terrible, I know :P 
> 
> Let me know what y'all think?? :) Thank you TONS to anyone who reads this!! :)


	7. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing. That is all :)

_“Haru-chan!”_

_“Drop the chan already, Makoto.” I mutter as soon as I pull open the door and see his face, so characteristically worried, eager, and cheerful all at the same time, which still baffles me._

_His eyes are sad, but he’s smiling brightly, and I start to panic. Something’s gone wrong. But then,_

_“Would you like to come over for dinner, Haru?”_

_Dinner? Makoto’s all concerned over dinner?_

_He frowns. “Since… well, it’s sort of a big day. And… your parents aren’t coming, are they, Haru-chan?” His voice gradually grows quieter, and the last few words are hardly a whisper. It’s like he thinks speaking too loudly will break me like glass._

_I feel sort of made of glass._

_All I manage to say is his name._

_“I’m sorry, Haru,” Makoto sighs. “I… I sort of thought that they wouldn’t. So I came to check.”He looks so damn sad, it makes me feel guilty. I don’t need his pity. I need… I don’t need anything._

_I say nothing._

_“They’re probably really busy, hm?” he continues softly. “ I’m sorry it happened again, Haru-chan.”_

_“Stop it with the chan!” I snap. Makoto jumps backward, away from me. He’s making me angry. I’m angry._

_I’m so angry._

_About two seconds pass, and the surprise and fear melt off Makoto’s face and he softens, stepping close to me once more._

_I’m not angry at Makoto._

_He smiles at me sadly, opening his arms to me, like he expects me to just jump into them._

_I’m not angry—could never be angry—at Makoto._

_I’m angry at my parents. I’m angry at myself for feeling angry._

_I rush forward a little too eagerly, to him and his open arms, which he immediately wraps me up in, pulls me close to his chest, which has just recently become so much stronger and broader than mine. I fit perfectly inside his hug._

_“Haru,” he says simply, quietly. “It’s okay.”_

_His embrace feels so good. It makes me feel like I’m not crumbling into pieces. It makes me forget about being angry. It feels like home. It feels like family; more family than I’ve ever had, since Grandmother died._

_We stand in the doorway to my house for a couple minutes, just hugging, and I know Makoto starts doing some really obvious four count breaths on purpose and before I know it, I’ve subconsciously matched up my breathing and he’s slowly calming me down._

_I’m not a real fan of hugs or touching, but with Makoto, when it’s like this, I can’t help but to think it’s the best feeling in the world. He just… does everything right._

_Once we let go, I take one deep breath and feel infinitely better and Makoto immediately insists I come over to his house for dinner and stay the night. I don’t say it out loud because I feel like I just can’t, but I’m so thankful._

_I come into the dining room at the Tachibanas’ to find the whole family waiting on me. The air is immediately warmer, brighter, and scented with the aroma of delicious food, and I think to myself that I can’t remember the last time the walls of my kitchen have seen a family dinner. There’s mackerel on the table beside Makoto’s favorite curry, like they knew I was going to end up coming over. They expected things to happen this way too. Not exactly in a bad way… just… a sad way I guess._

_I don’t blame them._

_“Haru-nii!” Ren and Ran cheer, holding their cups up in the air like a toast to me. Mrs. Tachibana gestures for me to sit, kisses my cheek when I do, and it all falls into place naturally. I relax. I feel at home._

_Somehow, the six of us manage to make dinner last two hours, talking and laughing and I don’t need to force any of it. It comes easily, naturally. Words are just there, when any other time I would be lost. That’s how it is with Makoto, but I guess I don’t think about it enough, that his family is just as important. They are part of Makoto, and Makoto is everything._

_It’s after dinner, after I help Makoto read the twins bedtime stories, after he lets me have the first bath, after he lends me one of his shirts and we snuggle into our blankets, that I lie back on the futon and stare up at the ceiling and begin to feel empty._

_I feel vacant. I feel numb. I feel alone. I am in a house filled with people I love, but I feel so alone, because I know that my real home is supposed to be next door but I never ever want to go back. It’s very warm here in the Tachibana house, but I feel so incredibly cold._

_“Haru,” Makoto whispers from above me on his bed. “Haru… You… I…_

_“It’s fine, Makoto,” I say._

_“I feel like I should…”_

_“Makoto. Don’t worry.”_

_I kick the blankets off myself angrily, balling them up at the bottom of the futon and giving the pillow a round of exasperated punches. Makoto sits up, poised to intervene, but I grit my teeth and fall dead silent. A tense moment passes, and I think Makoto might cry or something._

_I start crying instead. I can’t control it. I just happens suddenly in a rush of emotion that makes me feel like I’m going to crumble if someone doesn’t come push me back together right now. Familiar hands reach down to me from the mattress above and yank me forward, and arms wrap around me to do just that._

_Makoto curls all around me, surrounds me, warms me, holds my pieces together and makes me feel safe._

_“It’s okay, Haru-chan. It’s all okay. Everything is going to be okay. You’re never ever going to be alone. Not as long as I’m here.”_

 

_~~~~~_

I jolt awake, pain tearing through my chest, deep into my spine and down my entire body, startling me up and out of bed. Darkness swirls around me as my head spins and I grapple around for something, anything that seems grounding.

I am alone.

Kicking angrily at the sheets tied around my legs, I accidentally throw myself off the bed with them, falling gracelessly on my face with a strangled yelp.

Through the blackness and the sliver of filtered orange streetlight, my eyes adjust and epiphanies hit me with a pain that burns like an electric shock.

Sousuke Yamazaki is there, snoring softly a few feet away from me in the dark and I am not completely alone.

And my sheets and I are completely soaked with piss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if that was a sort of awkward way to end... who would've thought I'd ever type that as a concluding sentence?
> 
> But hey, didn't ya know, I'm not dead! And I haven't given up on this story! I've just been DROWNING AND DYING in a sea of school and work and life. But I got some time last night to write two (though very short) more chapters! :) Hooray! 
> 
> Thank you sooooooo much to everyone reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. I never expected such positive response to this. It means a lot!! :)


	8. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: swearing, general depression

I am _mortified_ with myself.

My mind shuts down. My hands start to shake, heat trailing from my fingertips into my face and then all the way down my body, rolling and uncomfortable. I scramble up, panicked and dazed and it’s like fight or flight instincts have taken over.

I tear the sheets away and stuff them immediately into my laundry bag, shame driving me to just get it out of sight already. I feel like running. I feel like I need to run away from myself.

It’s a dirty, itchy feeling that makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to be anywhere but here. I’m going to run. I’m going to clean myself up and then I’m going to run.

A soft grumble reverberates from behind my back, then there’s some rustling and, “Haru?”

Every part of me goes positively rigid. There is that third instinct afterall, and god _damn it._ Fight, flight…

Freeze.

I literally couldn’t move if I wanted to with all my heart as Sousuke rises from his bed and comes to stand beside me. “What are you…?” he begins to ask, but I hear the words die instantly in his throat.

I resist the childish urge to turn away from him because that would only draw even more attention to what I know he sees and he knows  I know because he grows very still and uneasily silent.

“Just leave me alone,” I choke out.

 _Alone._ The word settles in my chest like lead and I swallow hard as my heart feels like it’s pounding harder.  It feels like it’s struggling to pump.

“I…” Sousuke speaks slowly, reluctantly. “…Do you want some help? I could…”

“NO!” I snap, turning to glare at him and his tired—sad?—eyes. He pities me. He thinks I’m disgusting. I think I’m disgusting too.

“I’m handling it. Go back to bed,” I echo, shuffling to the closet angrily, only to remember my clothes are still packed up in boxes beside my mattress.

Forget running. I want to sink to the floor and never stand again.

Sousuke doesn’t go back to bed. Go figure. Of course he has to be irritating right now. He starts shuffling around the room behind me. I want to turn around and punch him. I want to back him into the wall like he did to me in front of the vending machines back in high school and demand that he stay out of _my_ way.

That would go over really well coming from the guy who wet his bed.

Still on a humiliation fueled, numb sort of rage, I stumble around, ripping open a couple boxes in search of clean clothes. I can’t find any, nor can I see any spare sheets, and that uncomfortable burn starts up again in the pit of my stomach, radiating into my face. I need to get out of the bedroom. I need to at least make it into the shower before I regain the common sense to be properly humiliated in front of Sousuke, who frustratingly hasn’t gone the fuck back to bed yet.

“Haru,” his voice startles me as I dig angrily, and I turn. He looks so _fucking calm,_ I feel like I could explode right there, and I literally bite my tongue. “I know you don’t want me here right now. But I can’t go back to bed until you stop rummaging around.” He ends that statement by throwing something at me, and I reach out just in time to catch.

It’s another set of his clothes. Soft pajama pants and a long sleeved black tee. Even a pair of his boxer briefs, which I can’t decide if I should be weirded out about or not. I guess right now it doesn’t matter.

“Go take a shower first. You’ll feel better.” He says, and then falls back to his bed, turning out the light immediately. I feel no choice but to go.

I spend ten minutes leaning against the cold tile, grinding my head into the wall and gritting my teeth against the urge to sob or scream as the water swirls around at my feet because it smells like _piss._

I wash myself twice with a double dose of Sousuke’s body wash because I haven’t unpacked my own yet. I don’t feel any less dirty.

The dream won’t fade. The disgusting feeling won’t wash away. Makoto’s face won’t drown in the soap like he did in the ocean. It doesn’t work that way.

Alone. _You’re never ever going to be alone._

He was right. I can never be alone again. He’s going to haunt me forever.

 

I return to the still dark room, intent on maybe finding my phone to use for a flashlight rather than turning on the lamp because Sousuke’s soft snores have finally returned. Thank god. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone.

Illuminating the room with the little white cell phone light, I turn to dig for blankets, resolved to sleeping on the floor for now, only to find that Sousuke is taking up the entire floorspace. Fast asleep.

The stain still lingering on my bed is almost as obvious as Sousuke’s vacant bed with the covers pulled back and folded over like they do at _hotels._ A silent invitation.

He took pity on me again. _Fuck you, Sousuke._

I want to rip him and his blankets to shreds for this.

But I feel exhausted and rubbed raw and positively hollow, so I creep toward the bed, making sure to avoid so much as brushing Sousuke’s slumbering body with my toe. I sink back into the mattress and pull the blankets up over my head. The sheets and pillows are scented lightly with spearmint and what smells like cinnamon and some generic cologne. It’s foreign, and that actually is… nice. No memories come to mind except teal eyes and Sousuke’s smug face, and that at least is distracting enough to let me sleep.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so there we have it! Chapter seven! I'll be back with more as soon as I get the chance! :)
> 
> Thank you for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, soooo... How was that? 
> 
> More to come.


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